I was captivated by this tree yesterday.
I’ve experienced recent unexpected changes with my treatment team. Another form of grief and loss in life, not only recovery. These things are out of my control and are circumstances that have nothing to do with me. I can’t deny the hurt of having clinicians, who I’ve entrusted, with the raw, intricate, secretive, and tender parts of my story, heart, and soul move onto other opportunities. I also can’t deny the healing these beautiful humans have brought to my life. As with fall, a season preceding winter and death, will come spring. Spring births new life and new opportunities. The rhythm of change into summer is displayed in the full glory of life to the fullest. And the rhythms will continue but never as expected.
It’s painful, understandable, and sucks. I’m sad today. I feel the pull to listen to Coach (The name of my ED.). I’ll sit in it. I will fight the urge to use behaviors to numb out this pain in my sensitive soul. I’ve come too far and worked so hard. Today I’ll remind myself, despite the lie I want to not be a lie, that Coach cannot be trusted.
I think there’s some hot pink leaves in this tree! 🍁 💕
